Douche Ravens Assaultist Takes Huge L During Perp Walk

Meet Jack Callis, the man who assaulted two Commanders fans after yesterday’s game:

-Was on probation for a misdemeanor assault
-Put his genitalia on a special needs student in high school
-Was kicked out of high school for wearing a “Freddie Gray” costume
-Sent an explicit… pic.twitter.com/xbgscqnG0A

— Wommanders (@Wommanders) October 15, 2024

I don’t know if I would rather get the death penalty or the complete destruction of character and online persona. This guy will probably never be able to live a regular life again. I know it sounds like I’m sympathizing for the guy, but I am putting myself in his shoes as to how I would reform my life.

1. Go to rehab.

2. Make up a story about how he mistakenly thought those Commanders fans attacked him first somewhere else.

3. Convert to Buddhism (likely in prison)

4. Become a Pacificist influencer and talk about how sorry you are for your past actions and repentance.

5. Make a video with the victims and get on hands and knees begging for forgiveness.

6. Become the victim’s indentured servant and/or bodyguard.

This is his only path to any sort of life again.

Awesome to see this story come to an end with justice.