KANSAS CITY, MO — Tensions between Kansas City Chiefs kicker Harrison Butker and his teammates escalated this morning after he showed up late for practice again. Sources say he was late due to spending his entire morning enslaving women and making them all wear Handmaid’s Tale uniforms.
“Hey guys, sorry I’m late, but I was really busy subjugating women with the patriarchy and forcing them to be barefoot and pregnant in the kitchen all the time,” said Butker to his frustrated coach. “It’s a tough job, but someone’s gotta do it.”
Feminist experts confirmed that Butker has been hard at work entering thousands of women’s homes and literally forcing them to be oppressed housewives who have lots of babies and go to church and stuff like that. “Just this morning, Butker climbed in through my window and forced me to make dinner for my husband while wearing a long red robe and white bonnet,” said one feminist who asked to remain anonymous. “It was the most horrifying experience of my life.”
Sources claim that the coaching staff has been talking with Butker, asking him to save his woman-enslaving activities for after practice. “No player should allow patriarchal repression of females to interfere with his work on this team,” said one of the coaches. “If Butker wants to force all the women everywhere to be housewives that have babies forever, he should do that on his own time.”
At publishing time, feminists had warned that if Butker isn’t stopped, the birth rate might climb to replacement levels.
